Waiting

Have you noticed that life is mainly composed of waiting? When you are a child you are waiting to grow up. Didn't we all say at one point or another in childhood, "I can't wait to grow up and do what I want to do!"?

Then we all moved in to the teen years. This time we were waiting for the keys to the family car. Or some of the lucky kids were hoping for keys of their own car. I was probably more dweeby than most I was looking forward to voting. In fact the day I turned 18 I went and registered to vote.

Now we are adults and we spend time waiting. Waiting on the boss to make a decision. Waiting in doctor's offices. Waiting for children to pull their backpacks together.

What ever happened to growing up and doing what we wanted to do? Now as a parent when I hear my children say those very words I smile a knowing smile. Looking back I realize I had a lot more freedom as a child than I do as an adult.

As an adult I have a family; a couple of jobs; a husband; an extended family; my children's school activities; financial responsibilities; and society in general that place demands, expectations, and limits on my actvities. As children we preceived our parents attempts to protect and care for us as limitations. Looking back as an adult I see that my real freedom was in childhood.

When I really consider the best times in my life I would have to say that those were the colleges years. I was still a child but had the independence of adulthood. Man those years ROCKED! I loved college. I had friends with the same interests as me for the first time in my life. I pretty much came and went as I pleased.

At that time my sister, I don't get mad; I get even, lived in Dallas. I would decide I wanted to go visit her and I did. I would just tell Mom and Dad; hop in my car and go! Near the end of my college experience I took up Contra dancing. Dallas had a great Contra scene. Their dances were the first and third Saturdays with an extra one on those months with a fifth. They had so many dancers that danced well that it was heaven to be there. To me dancing was a prayer. I loved to twirl and swing around and around. I danced every set. If a guy wasn't available I would dance as the guy. I was good. I had women that preferred me over some dudes.

While I was in graduate school I couldn't wait for the weekends so I could dance. Because I danced every weekend in a month. Twice at home and two or three times in Dallas. I couldn't wait for the exhilaration I would find in the Contras. I loved to feel the sweat pouring off my body. Really if I didn't work up a sweat I felt dissappointed. I know people find sweat offensive but I wore it like a badge.

Now I am a mother of three small children. I find myself waiting for the time when I can return to the dance floor. Waiting for the sweat to pour off my body. Waiting for the music to swell and carry me to another world where I am gifted and talented.

I'm also waiting as I write this blog. Waiting for a procedure that will help to give more information. Next I'll be waiting for the results of the pathology. Waiting on results that will tell me whether life will go on as I know it, or whether my life will change in a fundamental way. Again I am strangely calm but pensive.