The wedding of fools

Unlike Adj. Queen I do not abhor weddings. In fact I rather like going to them because of the cake. Well, I recently went to a wedding, and Adj. Queen has been after me to tell the story of the wedding.

When I think of this wedding I remember how I did not want to go to it at all; however, I was under a directive from an individual that has some power over me to go. Now I don't believe this individual would made things difficult for me but I hated the thought of disappointing her.

Let me explain. This individual is someone I get together with occassionally to be catty. I suppose it's called gossipping but it's really so much more than that. It's gossipping and being judge and jury all rolled into one event.

Now that I've explained my motiviation for going to this wedding, I must explain the couple involved. Both work in the really "glamorous" world of libraries. She is a manager sort and he is... Well let's just call him a worker bee. Oh yes, they do not work together in the same institution. Neither are exactly what one would call gifted with social graces. In fact the Matron of Honor said to me, "Groom actually made it without falling down!" Yep. This guy has the co-ordination of a sloth. I was going to say monkey but I respect monkeys too much. As for the Bride, I've known her longer than the Groom. For the longest time I tried to be nice and think nice things about Bride but about 4 months ago she did something that thoroughly embarassed in front of our peers. So I've taken a new stance. The gloves have come off and I no longer tell people that allowances should be made for this individual. So now that you understand that the Bride has a way of saying the most inappropriate things and lacks empathy of any kind we shall move on to the ceremony.

First was the entrance of the groom and minister and best man. Nothing there. Then the mother of the bride is walked to her seat. Next comes the Matron of Honor. Finally the Bride comes in. Plastered on her face is this huge Cheshire grin. She makes sure to shine those pearly whites on everyone.

Fast forward, now the minister is doing her ceremony. The two people in front of the minister talk and giggle throughout the ceremony. Kinda made you want to get up and slap the backs of their heads to settle them down. Moving on to what Passionfruit found the most painful--the lighting of the unity candle. The couple make their own vows. I can only remember two of them. I will love you to the best of my abilities and I will love you as hard as I can. So I wonder what in the world hard love means. But what Passionfruit found particularly painful was the 3 minute song where we watched them gaze into each others eyes. Now for the best part? The kiss was a big old French kiss. I don't necessarily like French kissing but I definitely don't like it in public. I don't care to see tongues poking out of another's cheeks-- It's just plain disgusting.

One would think the next logical progression would be the reception. However, we must sit and witness the pictures. Photographers at weddings are the goofiest things. They run the wedding and the reception unless of course there is a DJ. Then the DJs and the photographers engage in a small war trying to out do one another. Oh the silly poses these two people allowed themselves to be put into. It would be one thing if they were young people I suppose but give me a break the Bride is edging towards 50 years of age and the Groom is 30 something, and they both were married before!

Now I guess I'm doing a great disservice in not describing the dress. The Bride wore a white gown edged in red along the hem of the skirt and the fake bustle with a matching veil also edged in red. The dress was a strapless gown more appropriate for a 20 something than an obese woman of near 50. The Groom surprised me by looking pretty good in a tux.

So after all the silly pictures were taken we went in to the reception. It was the normal Southern fair of bride's cake, groom cake, punch and coffee. I was surprised the punch wasn't the kind with sherbet floating in it. I could have sworn that's the Bride's favorite punch. It was a really nice gathering of people. The Bride and Groom treated us to a dance accompanied with more tonsil hockey.

Then came more pictures of the traditional cake cutting, hooked arm drinking. These photographers were something else again. I mean they thought up more kooky poses than I ever thought possible. Back to back. Bride leaning back onto Groom. Pure silliness. Soon the part I was waiting on came along. Unfortunately they did the removing the garter thing. Again the photographers thought up something really stupid. Bride gets to sit on the back of the Best Man while he kneels. I wonder if he would have agreed to being Best Man if he knew that it would entail him getting on his hands and knees in front of 75 to 100 people and getting sat on by a rotund woman? So the garter goes flying off and the Best Man catches it. He is a forty something year old man who speaks Klingon. A real prize for someone special.

Next they line up the single ladies. They had to fight with several of them to get them out on the floor. I sent DQ and ST out immediately. While all those relunctant ladies were being cajoled into playing the game. DQ comes up to me and says she doesn't want to do it. I told her to get out there and catch the bouquet because I wanted to take it home! DQ dutifully returns to the fold of single ladies and stands next to ST. Finally all the single ladies are up and the bouquet is launched. I watch the women. Many of them have their purses with them. They cling to the straps of their purses for dear life. ST reaches up and suddenly the bouquet hits the ground. ST managed to tip the bouquet down to the ground where two flower heads pop off their stems. DQ immediately grabs up the forlorn flowers, and ST goes for the bouquet. It was one of my proudest moments. I feel as though I averted a more embarassing scene. With small children catching the bouquet the photographers couldn't possibly put them into some suggestive pose with the Best Man. Instead they had the Bride pose with my two girls. Thank GOD!