Stuff

The end of last year was just very upsetting. PF got sick and ended up in the hospital. Which I suppose is the reason for my thoughts on death that I've been having lately. There was one night where I pondered what death would feel like. I received some sort of notion because it was a really moving experience. Of course that's just my imagination but somehow it felt real. I had a moment of weightlessness; peace and dark. OK the dark doesn't seem to go with all the near death experiences that people talk about but the darkness wasn't scarry. This experience has really been bothering me. It lingers with me like a scent.

Perhaps this is too personal to post but I need to talk about it. I need to wipe it out.

Here's another thing that came up recently: While taking down the Christmas decorations DQ asked me if I would remarry if Daddy ever died. I didn't look at her. For those that might not know PF was in the hospital Christmas Eve night and all of Christmas day. The kids didn't know anything about his fainting and being taken to the hospital. They just woke up Christmas morning and there was their aunt and cousin sitting on the couch. So that was probably the source of the question. My answer to DQ was I didn't know. DQ then said that she hoped not because step-fathers can be really mean. I told her that my main job is to protect them. I don't think I would remarry if they were still in the house. I agreed with her that bringing in some foreign man would not be a good idea. But I also told her that any decisions I made I would discuss with them before making them. I told her that one never knows how one is going to react to any given situation. I also told her that hopefully we will never have to worry about that. I talked to her about my marriage. I told her that her father and I have too much invested in the relationship to just give up on it. I told her that there is more to it than just having kids. I told her that her father and I have over 17 years together and many, many memories. I told her that we value the relationship. Sure we get mad at each other but these are just little bumps along the way. I told her that what's going to make this relationship last was the fact both her parents are committed and vested in it. 17+ years is a lot of time to through away.