Ponderings

I started this blog for 2 reasons. 1)I had just lost my best friend and I wanted to write my memories of him down. 2)My then 3 year old daughter was a challenge and a joy. I needed a place to write down my feelings.

Now my daughter, 8 years old, is a challenge. Joy? Not so much. In fact I'm close to disliking her. She speaks to me in the most disrespectful ways. I don't even have to raise my voice. Her answer is, "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!!!! YOU DON'T LOVE ME." Makes me want to scream in her face to show her what a shout or a scream is.

This morning I told her twice to get dressed. Third time I yelled. Fourth time I yelled. Her response was, "Don't yell at me." I told her that I asked her nicely 3 times. She replied, "No the third time you yelled at me."

What's up with that? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

While driving her to school she said that I wasn't excited to have had her. I told her that I was the only one that was excited about her birth. I told her that everyone around me was offering me sympathy and condolences at my pregnancy. But I was happy and excited. And I was. I remember being so happy that I was pregnant again. PF wasn't happy. In fact he was trying to give himself a heart attack. It was one time that I seriously considered filing for divorce because he was soooooooo ugly during the pregnancy. I remember one time I screamed at him, "WHAT?!!!!!!!!?????? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET AN ABORTION?" If he had said yes I think we would no longer be because I loved her so much! I would have gone out there on my own. It would have been hard but I would have done it.

Now, I have this child that seems to think she can get away with anything just by shouting at me that I'm screaming at her and that I don't love her. Her tone of voice is frequently soo ugly sounding. She is soooooooooo negative.

There are days where I wonder where that cute, delightful child is. She didn't always talk so harshly all the time. She had a wonderful way about her. Between the ages of 1-4 she never seemed to care what others thought. She did her own thing. She was her own person. Yes. That caused some tension from time to time but really it wasn't bad. Starting in Kindergarten she suddenly began to care what people were saying about her. She wanted to play with other kids. We no longer have our little Tom boy who plays with boy toys; or wears Spiderman socks and underwear or shoes; or dresses up in fancy play dresses to catch bugs. Nope. She's gone. In her place is a horrible monster. A growling; mean ogre. A girl that will change her likes based on the group of kids she wants to play with at the time. A once avid Beiber fan now dislikes him horribly. So much so she's willing to be ugly to those that do like him. I can't seem to get through to her. I am at a loss.

I no longer want to interact with her. I will because I do love her but I'm finding it hard to see any good in her. Oh... there are times when she can be charming and she's doing well in school but the home life is not good. She won't help with the meager chores I ask of her. Alas, I'm sorry to say this but this girl is my mother-in-law through and through. What's even sadder is these behaviors come from my side of the family too. I have 2 aunts that are very similar. My coping mechanism is avoidance. I avoid my aunts and a I avoided my mil when I had to be in her physical company. (We did great over the phone.)

This morning on my drive to work I told myself that MI will be the one there for me when I get too old to care for myself. That she will turn out to be the best of the bunch. My prayer for her is that she will change into a delightful person again.