Week 36 or 39

Well it's been a whole month since I've posted. But I wanted people to know that I am doing so much better than the early months of pregnancy. I have a really great therapist who is working with me.

So here's what's up. I've decided to go with my EDD (estimated date of delivery) and not the doctor's. I am so ready to have this baby. I am having difficulty breathing. And sleeping is difficult too. Okay. Sleeping is going to be difficult when the baby is here, too. It's just that I'm not going to be as big as a house after the baby comes.

Yesterday I did some research on inducing labor naturally. Oh! I suppose I need to tell you that this baby will be born in March. If she doesn't come on her own then the doc. will induce on March 31st. My s-i-l is upset. She wants it to me the 30th which is her birthday. I'm sticking with the 31st because one of my best friend's birthday is the 31st.

I tried to fight for a later induction date but the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that that would not happen this time because of my advanced maternal age and the asthma. So I continued to negotiate with the doc and told her I wanted to do this as naturally as possible. At that time I wanted her to break my water and let me do nipple stimulation but after yesterday's research I'm not really happy with that possibility either. Apparently all I'm doing is naturally causing oxytocin to spike which leads to intense, long labor pains. After reading that I was like NO WAY. So I figure there had to be a better way naturally. Of course sexual intercourse rates high up there; walking; riding on bumpy roads; drinking castor oil. Sex isn't very high on my list of things to do. In fact I haven't had sex for a very long time. Because of my age and prior pregnancies things just didn't feel good for me or PF. Apparently internal organs sag with age and pregnancy, too. I already ride on bumpy roads. Walking cool but the breathing makes it difficult.

Now that I've shared entirely too much information I'm going to share something that I've found yesterday that I think is pretty intriguing. Accupressure. What I found in researching it yesterday was pretty encouraging. First of all, it works only if your cervix is ready. It can help ready your cervix, too. So in other words you're not putting yourself or your baby at risk by doing this. It is not invasive or uses chemicals. It also helps in controlling labor pain if you use it during the labor itself. Testimonials attested pretty consistently that labor started for most within a 24 hour or less period. Not all of these testimonials were associated with the author's website.

So I bet you think I ran off and ordered the book? Right? Wrong! I'm such a cheapskate. I don't want to spend 30 bucks on a book. So I've been trying to think how I can purchase this item for my library or get the public library to purchase it. But here's the rub the book comes in PDF. This then leads me to all kinds of questions. How many libraries are purchasing and cataloging PDF books? Are the publishers of PDF books willing/accepting of books to be loaned from libraries? I know there is some vagueness in the world about Kindles from Amazon. Is it okay to loan Kindles from libraries? How does this affect copyright? Sorry. These are my professional questions.

The more I think about this book the more I think I will end up buying it. Thursday is my next doctor's appointment. It will include an internal exam. So I should know by Thursday evening just how far I am to the real deal. With both of my prior pregnancies I was dilated to 2 cm. 2 weeks before giving before. I won't do anything until I know that the cervix is ready. I figure I won't try to induce myself until March 18th.

Big

I'm in the final monthes of pregnancy. My belly button slowly becomes a protuberance. In the evenings I can feel myself growing and I can feel my navel unravel. I am larger than any of my prior pregnancies. I can actually touch you (with my belly) without getting in your space.

I waddle like a duck when I walk, especially when I'm just getting up and getting started in walking. My inner thighs at these moments feel like I've been riding a horse for the first time for many, many miles.

When I was pregnant before I remember meeting up with women who wanted it to be all over and done with, NOW. I never understood them. But now I'm one of those women. I'm hoping the baby will come early. I'm hoping the baby is actually just small and the doctor's got the wrong date.

Actually I have 2 fears associated with going into labor early. That is I figure it will happen (if it's going to happen) on either March 12 (MI has an appointment with a doctor that lasts all day long) or March 29 (My sister, "I don't get mad; I get even" is unavailable to help that day.) So those are my worries and my reasons for those worries.

Of course I have plenty of other worries but I won't bore you all with those. Tomorrow will be 29 weeks, which means I only have 11 weeks left. The numbers for what's left are finally getting smaller. Every night I walk into my room and look at the corner I've chosen to put the crib in and think I better clear that space out. I don't. The bed is always more inviting. Sleep is such a strange state for me these days. I spend a lot of time being tired. I can easily fall asleep when I go to bed but then 4AM strikes and I'm up. I had had this theory that perhaps if I stayed awake later then I could sleep without awaking. I've tried this over the past couple of nights and it's not working. In fact I've been getting up earlier. 2AM strikes. I remember the insommnia with MI's pregnancy but it wasn't accompanied with the anxiety. So to night I'm going to bed early. One day I'll get to the corner and clear it out. I keep telling myself I'll get to the things I need to do.

On the big screen

Yesterday, I went for a Down syndrome and spina bifida screening. This is a non-invasive procedure. Essentially it's 2 blood tests spaced through out the early stages of pregnancy and 2 ultrasounds. Oh I forgot to mention I had a genetic work up, too. Nothing much in that to indicate any strong possibilities for problems.

I won't know anything about the blood work until next week. The ultrasound was quite an experience. They had a huge flat screen TV on the wall. I think it was like 5'x 4' screen. The baby was a busy one at the moment we were peeking in at it. It jumped and jerked. It's little hands were flaying away. We got some good pictures of a fist and a foot. The profile is beautiful. Okay Adj. Queen, this one's for you, it appears that this child will be a girl, also. But remember it is still very early in the pregnancy so it could change but I'm pretty sure it's a girl.

Both the tech. and the doc would chuckle at the antics of the baby. They had a hard time getting the baby into position so they could get the reading they needed. The tech would bounce her instrument up and down on my belly trying to persuade the baby to turn over. After a while they did manage to get the readings they needed. At this point in time there doesn't seem to be any physical problems that they can see. So I go back in Oct. for a blood test, and Nov. will be the second ultra sound.

I looked at the first ultrasound and marveled at the distinct changes in the baby. The baby is now a fetus while before it was an embryo. How she's grown! She no longer looks like a kidney bean. Now she has a head with a tiny nose. Her arms has hands and fingers. Her feet are tiny miniatures of feet. It all looked so prefect. It was a profound moment for me. Somehow seeing the baby on such a big screen made it all so very real.

PS
Adj. Queen are you sure SO isn't daylighting as a ob. doc.?

For 2

Well if you're interested I have something to share that isn't exactly something that ought to be shared. So you've been forewarn-- if you're squeemish do not read further.

You know how people talk about pregnant women eating for 2? Well I think there is more to it than just that. I'm pretty sure I'm pooping for 2. I've had more bowel movements in the last month or so than I've had most of my life; or, at least, it just seems that way. I don't ever remember this situation with the other 2. I also have to be careful eating leafy greens. That is a true formula for up all night! It sucks too because I like leafy greens.

At this point in time I don't have much more to share, and I know I've shared more than I should but I've been amazed with this development. For those interested I meet with the nurse on Wednesday. I should be able to hear the baby's heart beat. I'm looking forward to that.

THE NEWS

Last Saturday I ran a test on myself. I wasn't sure what I would discover but I knew it was time. Time to have information. Time to have knowledge. It was time.

When I got the results (and I have to confess that the result was rather quick) I was devastated. I felt so sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.

Then after awhile I started to feel a little excited. Anticipation set in; as did wonder. But still anytime I thought about telling PF I would get so scared. I didn't want to have to deal with his reaction. Last time he didn't handle it very well. In fact it was a time of strife in our marriage. I really thought that he would divorce me.

By know I hope you realize that I am pregnant. In fact tomorrow will be 10 weeks! I didn't want to tell anyone because it was still so early. But around Wednesday this week I couldn't hold it in any longer. I don't plan on telling the children until I'm into my 2nd trimester. DQ is going to be devastated. ST will be ecstatic, and I have no clue how MI will take the news. MI's been asking for a baby brother her age for awhile now. Of course that's not going to happen but I don't know if she'll understand that.

I did tell PF. He's taken it so much better than last time. I mean he isn't moping around, or trying to give himself a heart attack. He is calm and gratious. I told him Saturday night while we watched the Olympics. It just flew out of my mouth. No setting the stage. No romantic talk. I didn't even look at him. Really I don't remember what he said. I think it had something to do with having a lot of things to get done. If there is anything really upsetting him it's the fact that I had those medical procedures done last month. His worried about how that would affect the baby.

Well folks life's a crap shoot. You don't know what you're going to get. But whatever is is. I'm not going to spend my time worrying about what's been done for it cannot be undone. I'm living in the moment. This is God's child and I am nothing but a vessel and an instrument for His work. I love babies. Always have. I'm not too keen on 3 year olds but you know that falls under the future and I'm not going there. My reality is now. This day and what I do today is all I can control and even then not everything is in my control.

I am now very excited about this pregnancy. I am looking forward to meeting this child. My belly is already big. The round ligaments are feeling some strain. I haven't been sick. I have been hungry. Very, very hungry. I eat almost 2 to 3 hours. I also can't eat a whole lot in one sitting or I get sick to my stomache. I'm craving proteins. Cheese, meat, peanut butter (which I don't cave into to protect the baby from too early a nut introduction), and Coke a Cola (which I don't cave into because I don't believe that it would be very good for the baby.) I've stopped taking 2 meds. The other thing about this pregnancy is that I am dizzy. This is different than my other two pregnancies; so when people ask about what I want I just tell them that the pregnancy were not similiar to the other two.

To make this pregnancy even more interesting, my niece is pregnant, too with her second child. I'm a month further than her. So we will have a race to see who will give birth first. I've already got my doula set up. Okay she's not a trained professional but she's always been my doula. It's my sister, I Don't Get Mad/I Get Even. I know she will be there for me, and she won't let the health care professionals try to bully me. I am so grateful to God for a sister like her. She's always, always been there for me. God bless her.

So keep me in your prayers if you pray; if not then keep me in your thoughts. I'm forty years old and pregnant.

While we're on the subject...

When I was pregnant with my children I had lots of strange dreams. After the two pregnancies I was amazed that the two pregnancies were similiar in that I had dreams. Each pregnancy I dreamt of celebrities. I am not a celebrity hound. I don't read the gossip rags. I may occassionally glance through People but do not seek it out. Another similiarity was the subject matter of the dreams remained constant for the particular pregnancy and each of the subject matter was disturbing for markedly different reasons.

For the first pregnancy I will not describe those dreams in detail; nor, even hint to what they were about. What I'll tell you is Goldie Hawn, Sally Fields and several other female actresses were in those dreams.

While I carried MI the actors ranged from Don Knotts to Tom Cruise (Which some of you may remember that I disliked Tom Cruise long before it came into vogue.) These were dreams of action, adventure, murder and doomsday. I was hounded with dreams about serial murderers, mass murderers and the end of the Earth as we know it. It use to scare me. I thought perhaps I was being possessed by the devil or something.

Where is all of this leading to? My Mom picked up my girls from their respective institutions. When she got to MI's she was handed a report. It wasn't good. In fact it was down right scarry! My little darling had her hands around another child's throat! She was doing her best at strangling the little guy. His offense? He told her he wasn't her friend.

Hmmm! Now that was a tactic I never thought of as a child longing for friendship and companionship. They won't be my friends I'll just kill 'em!

What's even funnier is we do not use physical punishment. Okay. We give 'em a slap on the hinney when they are behaving dangerously. Things like... playing with matches, running into the street, strangling other children... OOPS I didn't do that. No. I talked to her about how she could have really hurt the other child. I told her how disappointed I was with her behavior.

Reflecting on things that have happened over the past year in preschool I realize that MI is far more violent than my other children have ever been. This past year she told other children in her class that I would come and shoot them with my gun. (I don't own a gun!) MI resorts to her fists and feet first. What I'm wondering is... were the dreams an indication of what is to be? Do I have some sort of budding criminal on my hands? Pray not. I wonder whether the preschool teachers think she comes from an abusive family.

My little darling is the cutest thing in the world. She is sweet and funny but I don't think you want to make her mad. I keep telling myself that her spunk will hold her in good stead when she's an adult. I've told MI not to turn bitter. I've told her to stay sweet. This was one of those days where I wonder if I will ever get this parenting thing down.

Out of the mouth's of babes

Miss Independence has struck again! Sunday we had a large family gathering to celebrate a couple of birthdays. This is an important ritual and no one is allowed to beg off. I know... I've tried!

Anyway near the end of the evening my niece who is pregnant got up to leave because she was tired. This prompted MI to jump off the lap she had been sitting on for several minutes and announce in a loud voice that "Babies come from your privates." This pronouncement sent several adults into fits of giggles.

Then as though MI wasn't pleased with the response of the embarassed adults. MI runs to her cousin and starts stroking her swollen belly. This is a belly where the belly button has started to "pop". I made the mistake of telling MI that that wasn't my niece's privates.

Now for the final embarrassing situation. MI reaches down and grabs my niece's privates. My niece's husband, young man that he is, had already turned red with the early episode now he was a brillant red. I just put down my head and shook it.

When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? Passionfruit wanted me to chronicle this event. I had the hardest time wanting to put this down. Yes. It is amusing but I'm also slightly embarassed by the impulsiveness of my child.