Time

This year I'm having the hardest time getting the older girls to bed by 8:30PM. I don't know what the problem is. Do I lack motiviation? Are they rebelling? Has the New Baby messed up the rhythm of the household so much?

I try to get them to bed. I really do. But then there are other nights where I just don't feel up to the fight. And yes bedtime is a fight.

Professionals all talk about having a bedtime ritual. They say do not deviate from it. But really do these people live in the same world as I do? I mean... what about the school event scheduled for 7PM. What do you do then? Tell the school, "I'm sorry but that is conflicting with the bedtime ritual I've created for my children." And yes to get them to bed for 8:30PM you must start the ritual by 7PM.

Frankly we lost what ever ritual we had. I don't know where it went to. All I know is that by 5PM I'm ready to shut the house down but the kids are not. In fact their schedules are so that we don't get home until after 5:30 most days.

Today I got lucky and got dinner in the crock pot. In fact today is our longest day. We won't get home until after 6:30PM. In fact Wednesday we won't get home until 8:30PM. I love Wednesday nights. I get to meet with some mothers that I absolutely adore. These are the neatest young women. We sit and talk and watch each other's children. Between the 3 of us we have 13 children. One of them wants a 5th child so bad you can see it shining in her eyes. I just love watching us herd our kids around together. We make quite a group. Plus it's like herding kittens. It's impossible.

What's really funny is to see the disapproving eyes of folks. They don't like our children at our church too well. They think we have too many. Funny that, since we are all Catholic. Our kids aren't bad. Okay. There are times when they get a little loud and run but hey they are kids! Kids do that. Those rich bitch kids at the Catholic school are ruder than our kids ever are. Oh well. Money smooths everything over I suppose.

Sorry for the tangent. Anyway, I'm just wondering if I'll ever get back into the swing of things. Bedtime. How very difficult bedtime is for me these days. If only PF won't bellow so. I don't know. I'm just feeling very mellow these days. I'm wishing the kids would just get motivated to go to bed on their own. Pipe dreams.

A Point of Convergence

I have a spot in my house where people just naturally end up gathering. A couple of years back I celebrated my birthday with friends. My close friends. Anyway, I'm in the kitchen cooking the meal. Where do the folks all gather to talk? It's in front of the refrigerator. There is only about 49 inches between the frig and the counter. Yet people always stand there when I'm having a party and even when I'm not.

Here's a thought for everyone--Could it be that the frig is a magnet? A people magnet? I mean I know magnets go on the frig but could the frig be emminating a tractor beam? Are people drawn to this appliance out of sheer helplessness?

Why does this even bother me? Well it is very difficult to get in the frig when there are people standing in front of it. When you are cooking a meal you frequently need to be in the frig. Hence this is a pet peeve of mine.

There's more to the story, too. I mentioned magnets earlier. I have 2 children that sit in front of the frig to play with magnets. They tell elaborate stories to themselves or each other. Again this inhibits getting into the frig. I'm forever shooing them away from the frig.

I'm going home early today. I'm going to drag out the magnetic boards I made a place them around my kitchen. Probably against the bar. Maybe that will help with the kids sitting in front of the frig. Don't know but it's better than never trying.

Pacifier

Long ago when my older daughters were babies they would not take a pacifier. PF would put one in and out it would pop. I would look at him with a face that I fear could only be described as triumphant. See I'm not a great proponent for pacifiers. I hate the way they look in a child's mouth. I hate that people seem to try to plug up their children.

PF tried to use a pacifier with all three of the older girls. None of them would take a pacifier. I remember how relieved I was. I would never have to worry about dealing with the missing "Binky". I would never have to watch my child walk around looking like there was a plug in her mouth.

Now we're on to our 4th child. Life is much different. I don't know how New Baby took to pacifiers but I think the younger children are far more persitent than her parents are or ever were. Apparently the older girls would hold the pacifier in NB's mouth until she would start to suck on it. Then they would run to me proudly to inform me that the pacifier was in NB's mouth.

Guess what? I now see the value of a pacifier. I still don't like the looks of them. I tend to feel a bit guilty about using a pacifier. But they really come in handy. See NB tends to sort of wake in the middle of the night and cry and fuss. She's really not hungry. I've just fed her. If I get that pacifier into her mouth before she's fully awake I get to go back to sleep. So I know think of pacifiers as my friends. I still don't use them as much as most folks do. I don't mind NB sucking on her fingers. (Stastistically she will need braces with or without sucking on her fingers) But they are my night time friend.

Now before I go to sleep I make sure I have a pacifier sitting in the corner of the crib. Then I know I'm ready for the night time routine. Two feedings during the night and one up to insert pacifier and go back to sleep. All are happy with this routine. Yay for the persitent children in my life!

Toe nails

Ever since my dad died 5 years ago I've let my toe nails grow. I was a ballet dancer. To wear pointe shoes you could not have long nails. My father use to get so angry with me because I cut my toenails so short. I understand he worried about in-grown toenails. My family has horrible problems with them. My dad suffered from the especially.

Now I'm letting my nails grow. Althoughs years while I danced I never had any problems with in grown toenails. But the past few years I've had more of them. They are not pleasant. One winter I had to wear sandals because of a flair up.

While I was pregnant, my toenails grew so quickly. I got so large I couldn't cut them myself. I was at the mercy of PF. It was funny; he would cut them short like I did while I was young. It would drive me crazy because it caused a funny feeling in my toe.

I'm back to being able to cut my own nails. It's time for them to be cut. In bed the sheet drags on them and pulls them down. I laugh to myself and think of my father. I have toe nails now. I wonder what he would think of them.

Limerick inspired by new baby

Not my creative writing here but I wanted to share this wonderful limerick that New Baby inspired. My sister, Sister Sister, wrote this this morning.

Limerick Number 1



There once was a babe at the breast

Who knew that was only the best

When offered a bottle

She cried at full throttle

Until Mommy gave up on the test.

The Booby bottle

Are you curious about the bottle I mentioned in the second to last post? It was suppose to mimic breastfeeding. It looks like a boob. I call it the booby bottle.

Here's the result: New Baby tolerates it to a point and then cries for me. I love it! I still get to leave work for a while to see my little one. I like going down there to take care of her. I don't feel like I'm missing so much of her life doing it that way. Plus it's just a great feeling to know that she needs and wants me. No one can replace me.

Last week got a call from the childcare place-- New Baby didn't want anyone but me. Come get her. When I walked in the office her face lit up like a Christmas tree. She was so excited to see me. None of the other children ever reacted that way to me. Of course I was a stay at home mom but still it was a great experience for me.

Travelling with new baby

We went on a short vacation. We traveled over 600 miles by car one way. Here's my question... Have you ever been on a trip where you became concern whether you should have ever gone on it in the first place.

Well this was the trip for me. It started out with a car accident. Not ours! Thank God! but it took close to 30 minutes to travel just one half of a mile. Then we had a crying baby. The new baby didn't sleep very much on the trip. In fact she spent most of her time crying and screaming. She has this high pitched scream... most unpleasant. We stopped for the baby several times. We ended up in the bad part of a city to fill the ol' gas tank up. We followed that up with getting turned around and confused and then the street signs themselves were poorly placed.

Instead of driving through the night like we planned we stopped overnight to rest hoping that the morning would bring better results. Well. Whaddya think happened? That's right you guessed it. The baby continued to cry and scream. The new twist to the tale was the severe thunderstorm that stopped us in our tracks because of the driving hail stones. It was so loud in the mini-van that we had to yell and shout to be heard, and we could still barely hear one another. Only later did we discover that the wind had driven the rain into the back of the mini-van wetting those objects on top.

Some highlights to this frustrating trip was MI yelling at ST to "Tame her." in reference to the crying baby. ST was so frustrated that she couldn't "tame her" that ST started yelling back that the only person she can control is herself. Seems like that lesson just make take with ST.

The kids really did enjoy themselves at the B'nai mitvah. Baby danced her 1st hava nagila with mommy. I may be a shicksa but I at least know how to dance it. I was shocked by how many folks didn't know it. PF played his clarinet with the paid band. I ate a lot of yummy food. I also danced Miserlou in high heels and did something to my knee.

So you see. PF and I are not too excited about traveling anytime soon.

The birth

As you know I've had my fourth daughter. She was born on March 31st at 5:40 P.M. The birth experience was totally different. I was induced. This labor is horrible. The contractions are unrelenting but the positive side of the experience was a great labor nurse. She attended to me with great compassion. She made the experience really wonderful. I thank her for that because this was truly a difficult labor for me. And I stress me. I know that my labor and delivery wasn't horrible in that there were no emergencies; no excessive blood; nothing earth shaking. For me the IV was horrible. They had a hard time putting in the IV. My veins are not terribly visible and they roll when they are found.

I hate to admit it but I lost it. I became a weeping, sniveling, mess. The nurse called the doc and the doc told me we could do it another time. I told her no way. They finally got that IV in and I wasn't going to go through that again. Doc told me there was no way she was going to go forward with me in the state I was in. I had many reasons why I had to do it that day. Most importantly ST could not go through with another false alarm (March 19 I had gone to the hospital with false labor); secondly my sister, who's my doula, had to go out of town April 1 for her job. I told the doc to get my sister back in the room. Together we got me calmed down enough to start the pitocin. The contractions didn't start immediately so I was able to participate in conversation, something I never did in the other deliveries.

At some point when the contractions started to get serious I heard my sister say, "She's doing it. She's going away. She's putting herself into that 'trance'." It was true. I was concentrating on my focal point; concentrating on breathing through the pain. My nurse was good about putting me into different positions. I was good about remembering to use the bathroom. While I labor I used a birthing ball; a rocking chair and PF. PF and I did the labor dance. Poor man he didn't have a clue at first what I wanted. He felt lost. All I wanted was for PF to hold me and rock me while we stood between the rocking chair. This is also the only labor I remember where I broke out in a drenching sweat. It was pouring off me. The longest part of the labor was waiting for that little stinker to move down the birth canal. Getting up and moving was the best thing to facilitate that movement. I was glad my nurse supported that kind of labor. (By the way I did this birth naturally. No drugs, other than pitocin.)

Finally I felt ready to push. Boy did things get hopping then. There was so much activity in the room. I think there were about 10 nurses in the room. I was ready to push and I was going to push. But they told me I couldn't. They made me pant. I panted for so long and so hard my whole body started to tingle. I never experienced that sensation before in my life. It totally freaked me out. In fact I got to thinking I didn't need any stinking doctor to deliver this kid. I had done it before I could do it again. (This is why they were having me pant to keep a spontaneous birth from happening) Anyway the nurses were watching the parking lot. Then all of a sudden you could hear them cheering the doctor on her way. She was running across the parking lot. As soon as she got into the room I told them I was pushing. Again I was ordered not to push. In fact the doc wanted to readjust me on the bed. She wanted me to pick up my bottom and scoot down the bed more. I didn't want to do it but then she got stern and I did it. I finally got to push and my little baby girl was born. I didn't push very long at all-- 10 minutes tops. I remember the little head of black hair. Her hair was all wavy and she had lots of it.

Now she is 10 weeks old. She's finishing her 2nd week at child care today. The highlight of that experience is her first day. First day of child care 2 weeks ago, baby got sent home. She would not take a bottle and kept being startled by all the noise in the class room. I've been going down and nursing her. I'm so glad I chose a place close to my work. I love going down there and nursing her.

Today, I brought a different bottle and some milk for them to try. I held off going down there to give them some time to give it to her. I walked in just as she was finishing it. So the little stinker found a bottle she would take. Did I mention it's the cheapest bottle I've bought? Just 99 cents. Yep. So much for the expensive Playtex nursers. So much for the Medela bottles. There you have it.

Yesterday, I found a bottle that is suppose to mimic the mother's breast perfectly. It's even won awards. It's also the most expensive bottle I've bought so far. Wonder if the little stinker will take it?

Showers

This is a big weekend for my family. A wedding. A baby shower for 3. A shower for me at work.

This morning my co-workers gathered with me to celebrate the future life of a child. They had a nice cake for me. They pooled their money together and gave me an extremely generous gift card to Target.

I have to say I am quite humbled by their kindness and generosity. Times are tough and they gave so much. Really, I appreciate these people so much.

Saturday my nephew will marry his girlfriend. And on Sunday they will attend a baby shower for their future daughter. This shower on Sunday is for my niece (my nephew's sister and me). What's really funny is the shower will be held at a cemetery. This business recently built a room that they use as a community room. I've never been there but apparently it's a lovely room. Some people seem a bit hesitant about the venue but to me it makes prefect sense. Why not have a baby shower celebrating life held at place that marks/celebrates the passing of life? Isn't it all connected? The beginning and the end? A completed circle?

My priest talks about 2 of the most holiest events of life. The birth of a child and the passing of a person. Each event is where God is closest to us. I've given birth twice and I know that I spent a lot of my labor in prayer. Prayer. Not because I was scared, in pain or in distressed but because it seemed like the right thing to do. I spend so much time after the birth being amazed at the way God works. God provides an organ that I don't have until a fertilized egg nests in the lining of my uterus. To me that is a miracle. This organ then nurtures my baby for 9 months. It provides air, food and eliminates the waste products of this new life. Amazing. Truly amazing.

Then I've nurse my children for 2 years. Nursing for me is an extremely spiritual experience. Again God's work at work. My body creating nourishment for my child. I don't do anything but make sure I eat well and drink lots of water. My body does everything on it's own. I'm participating in the life cycle in a way that is totally awesome. So as you can see I find caring for a small infant a profoundly spiritual experience. This is my very personal experience.

Week 36 or 39

Well it's been a whole month since I've posted. But I wanted people to know that I am doing so much better than the early months of pregnancy. I have a really great therapist who is working with me.

So here's what's up. I've decided to go with my EDD (estimated date of delivery) and not the doctor's. I am so ready to have this baby. I am having difficulty breathing. And sleeping is difficult too. Okay. Sleeping is going to be difficult when the baby is here, too. It's just that I'm not going to be as big as a house after the baby comes.

Yesterday I did some research on inducing labor naturally. Oh! I suppose I need to tell you that this baby will be born in March. If she doesn't come on her own then the doc. will induce on March 31st. My s-i-l is upset. She wants it to me the 30th which is her birthday. I'm sticking with the 31st because one of my best friend's birthday is the 31st.

I tried to fight for a later induction date but the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that that would not happen this time because of my advanced maternal age and the asthma. So I continued to negotiate with the doc and told her I wanted to do this as naturally as possible. At that time I wanted her to break my water and let me do nipple stimulation but after yesterday's research I'm not really happy with that possibility either. Apparently all I'm doing is naturally causing oxytocin to spike which leads to intense, long labor pains. After reading that I was like NO WAY. So I figure there had to be a better way naturally. Of course sexual intercourse rates high up there; walking; riding on bumpy roads; drinking castor oil. Sex isn't very high on my list of things to do. In fact I haven't had sex for a very long time. Because of my age and prior pregnancies things just didn't feel good for me or PF. Apparently internal organs sag with age and pregnancy, too. I already ride on bumpy roads. Walking cool but the breathing makes it difficult.

Now that I've shared entirely too much information I'm going to share something that I've found yesterday that I think is pretty intriguing. Accupressure. What I found in researching it yesterday was pretty encouraging. First of all, it works only if your cervix is ready. It can help ready your cervix, too. So in other words you're not putting yourself or your baby at risk by doing this. It is not invasive or uses chemicals. It also helps in controlling labor pain if you use it during the labor itself. Testimonials attested pretty consistently that labor started for most within a 24 hour or less period. Not all of these testimonials were associated with the author's website.

So I bet you think I ran off and ordered the book? Right? Wrong! I'm such a cheapskate. I don't want to spend 30 bucks on a book. So I've been trying to think how I can purchase this item for my library or get the public library to purchase it. But here's the rub the book comes in PDF. This then leads me to all kinds of questions. How many libraries are purchasing and cataloging PDF books? Are the publishers of PDF books willing/accepting of books to be loaned from libraries? I know there is some vagueness in the world about Kindles from Amazon. Is it okay to loan Kindles from libraries? How does this affect copyright? Sorry. These are my professional questions.

The more I think about this book the more I think I will end up buying it. Thursday is my next doctor's appointment. It will include an internal exam. So I should know by Thursday evening just how far I am to the real deal. With both of my prior pregnancies I was dilated to 2 cm. 2 weeks before giving before. I won't do anything until I know that the cervix is ready. I figure I won't try to induce myself until March 18th.

Big

I'm in the final monthes of pregnancy. My belly button slowly becomes a protuberance. In the evenings I can feel myself growing and I can feel my navel unravel. I am larger than any of my prior pregnancies. I can actually touch you (with my belly) without getting in your space.

I waddle like a duck when I walk, especially when I'm just getting up and getting started in walking. My inner thighs at these moments feel like I've been riding a horse for the first time for many, many miles.

When I was pregnant before I remember meeting up with women who wanted it to be all over and done with, NOW. I never understood them. But now I'm one of those women. I'm hoping the baby will come early. I'm hoping the baby is actually just small and the doctor's got the wrong date.

Actually I have 2 fears associated with going into labor early. That is I figure it will happen (if it's going to happen) on either March 12 (MI has an appointment with a doctor that lasts all day long) or March 29 (My sister, "I don't get mad; I get even" is unavailable to help that day.) So those are my worries and my reasons for those worries.

Of course I have plenty of other worries but I won't bore you all with those. Tomorrow will be 29 weeks, which means I only have 11 weeks left. The numbers for what's left are finally getting smaller. Every night I walk into my room and look at the corner I've chosen to put the crib in and think I better clear that space out. I don't. The bed is always more inviting. Sleep is such a strange state for me these days. I spend a lot of time being tired. I can easily fall asleep when I go to bed but then 4AM strikes and I'm up. I had had this theory that perhaps if I stayed awake later then I could sleep without awaking. I've tried this over the past couple of nights and it's not working. In fact I've been getting up earlier. 2AM strikes. I remember the insommnia with MI's pregnancy but it wasn't accompanied with the anxiety. So to night I'm going to bed early. One day I'll get to the corner and clear it out. I keep telling myself I'll get to the things I need to do.

A short something...

I am at work after a very, very long holiday break. Okay. Maybe it wasn't all that long than other years it just felt that way.

I am grateful to have a job to go today. I know many do not. My two younger children have driven me crazy the last couple of days. But I'm not going to dwell on the negative.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, happy New Year.

What I'm tired about

I am tired of people who feel inconvienced by the way things are. Buck up you bunch of whiny, sniveling idiots. I mean. I had to walk over to the main building to get the stupid schedule-- Why would it be too difficult for you? You certainly don't look 6 months pregnant. Plus you're in the freaking military. Like inconvience is a new concept to you? Good lord! What do you do on TDY's? Do walk around sniveling about being away from your home and family?

Really from the first day of the semester you haven't impressed me. In fact I've worried about our defenses if you are representative of our military. I mean you show up to school without our stupid schedule and then expect me to know where in the world you are suppose to go. Now you get peeved at me because I won't let you take my class schedule for next semester. You really grate on my nerves.

This hasn't been a good day. It did start out good but it went down hill reall fast. First MI throws a fit because her daddy has to take her to school. Then ST won't get dressed. Despite my attempts to get things pulled together the night before the girls were still late for school. Oh well. Guess I should be glad they had their backpacks.

I do wonder whether when I'm old and feeble whether these beautiful children of mine will take care of me. Often I think I'll just be sitting in my own waste rotting away.

As if the first part of the day wasn't miserable enough I'm sitting here at work fighting queasiness. I had to race to the bathroom with my ever ready trash can. Two pregnancy and deliveries have left me with a less than desirable situation when it comes to being sick. So I'm not having a good day. And to all those damn motivational speakers who talk about you choose what kind of day your having or better you can always start your day over-- NOT WHEN YOU ARE 6 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH 3 CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 9 YEARS!

I've been trying to keep my angst from my public life. But today I'm so tired and the feelings of anxiety and depression are too strong, I need to express them.

First I am so frustrated by MI. It looks like she is going to repeat Kindergarten. MI is determined not to learn to read. I know she knows her alphabet but she doesn't produce work that indicates that knowledge. I know she knows the sounds that are represented by those letters but she refuses to produce work that shows that knowledge. I know that there are simple words that she knows but when quizzed she refuses to cooperate.

What can I do about a child who won't work? I lie awake a night worrying about her future. What's to become of her? Why won't she cooperate at school? Why won't she cooperate at home?

Then that really gets everything churning. Everything seems so hopeless. Nothing is in my control. I can't even seem to control my own feelings. God. I've never cried so much in my life. In fact this seems to rate right up there with the OKC boot camp for librarians.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. Guess I just keep on crying.

If you want to see...

If you want to see my attitude scroll down. I've added a new pic. It's me. Without a doubt.

On the big screen

Yesterday, I went for a Down syndrome and spina bifida screening. This is a non-invasive procedure. Essentially it's 2 blood tests spaced through out the early stages of pregnancy and 2 ultrasounds. Oh I forgot to mention I had a genetic work up, too. Nothing much in that to indicate any strong possibilities for problems.

I won't know anything about the blood work until next week. The ultrasound was quite an experience. They had a huge flat screen TV on the wall. I think it was like 5'x 4' screen. The baby was a busy one at the moment we were peeking in at it. It jumped and jerked. It's little hands were flaying away. We got some good pictures of a fist and a foot. The profile is beautiful. Okay Adj. Queen, this one's for you, it appears that this child will be a girl, also. But remember it is still very early in the pregnancy so it could change but I'm pretty sure it's a girl.

Both the tech. and the doc would chuckle at the antics of the baby. They had a hard time getting the baby into position so they could get the reading they needed. The tech would bounce her instrument up and down on my belly trying to persuade the baby to turn over. After a while they did manage to get the readings they needed. At this point in time there doesn't seem to be any physical problems that they can see. So I go back in Oct. for a blood test, and Nov. will be the second ultra sound.

I looked at the first ultrasound and marveled at the distinct changes in the baby. The baby is now a fetus while before it was an embryo. How she's grown! She no longer looks like a kidney bean. Now she has a head with a tiny nose. Her arms has hands and fingers. Her feet are tiny miniatures of feet. It all looked so prefect. It was a profound moment for me. Somehow seeing the baby on such a big screen made it all so very real.

PS
Adj. Queen are you sure SO isn't daylighting as a ob. doc.?

Tears

Well folks-- I'm totally absorbed in myself and this pregnancy. So here's the latest development-- I just spent 5 minutes crying over this video. Something that had no intention to bring tears to ones eyes had tears streaming from mine. Now I know I'm pregnant. I'm so screwed up. I don't remember being quite this emotional with my other pregnancies. The weirdest things set me off. I'm glad I'm in my own office because I can weep silently without my co-workers knowing.

In fact the only thing they've noticed is I'm quieter. So maybe that's a blessing for them. I don't know. You'll have to ask them.

Last night I worked in the evening. I had a class to teach, too. This was one of the best classes I've ever had! I made a mistake in a search and one of the students figured out what I had done wrong! WooHoo! It's so nice to know that they're getting it. This is like my second night class I taught, and I think I would rather teaching an evening class anytime over a day class. One professor said that the evening classes are really better because these are the folks who are working during the day, and they're coming to us because they WANT to be there. They aren't marking time; they are engaged in their education. Essentially they are more motivated. It's fantastic.

So I wonder what else will send tears coursing down my cheeks today? We'll see.

Sick and tired

I was doing so well in the morning sickness business. But last night in the wee hours of the morning I lost my track record. ST came to our room because she had a nightmare. I took her back to her room and was about to lie down with her there when I told her I had to go. I raced back to my room. I was sick but you know what even so I felt better.

Since the late afternoon yesterday I hadn't been feeling so well. PF and I had dinner at an Indian restaurant. The food was good. But I started to feel really bad. I decided that I must have over eaten. I got to bed early.

Now I'm tired, and my tummy still feels queasy. I hope this isn't how it's going to be. I don't know if I can work 30 hours a week feeling queasy. Oh well maybe I'll just take off early today.

For 2

Well if you're interested I have something to share that isn't exactly something that ought to be shared. So you've been forewarn-- if you're squeemish do not read further.

You know how people talk about pregnant women eating for 2? Well I think there is more to it than just that. I'm pretty sure I'm pooping for 2. I've had more bowel movements in the last month or so than I've had most of my life; or, at least, it just seems that way. I don't ever remember this situation with the other 2. I also have to be careful eating leafy greens. That is a true formula for up all night! It sucks too because I like leafy greens.

At this point in time I don't have much more to share, and I know I've shared more than I should but I've been amazed with this development. For those interested I meet with the nurse on Wednesday. I should be able to hear the baby's heart beat. I'm looking forward to that.

THE NEWS

Last Saturday I ran a test on myself. I wasn't sure what I would discover but I knew it was time. Time to have information. Time to have knowledge. It was time.

When I got the results (and I have to confess that the result was rather quick) I was devastated. I felt so sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.

Then after awhile I started to feel a little excited. Anticipation set in; as did wonder. But still anytime I thought about telling PF I would get so scared. I didn't want to have to deal with his reaction. Last time he didn't handle it very well. In fact it was a time of strife in our marriage. I really thought that he would divorce me.

By know I hope you realize that I am pregnant. In fact tomorrow will be 10 weeks! I didn't want to tell anyone because it was still so early. But around Wednesday this week I couldn't hold it in any longer. I don't plan on telling the children until I'm into my 2nd trimester. DQ is going to be devastated. ST will be ecstatic, and I have no clue how MI will take the news. MI's been asking for a baby brother her age for awhile now. Of course that's not going to happen but I don't know if she'll understand that.

I did tell PF. He's taken it so much better than last time. I mean he isn't moping around, or trying to give himself a heart attack. He is calm and gratious. I told him Saturday night while we watched the Olympics. It just flew out of my mouth. No setting the stage. No romantic talk. I didn't even look at him. Really I don't remember what he said. I think it had something to do with having a lot of things to get done. If there is anything really upsetting him it's the fact that I had those medical procedures done last month. His worried about how that would affect the baby.

Well folks life's a crap shoot. You don't know what you're going to get. But whatever is is. I'm not going to spend my time worrying about what's been done for it cannot be undone. I'm living in the moment. This is God's child and I am nothing but a vessel and an instrument for His work. I love babies. Always have. I'm not too keen on 3 year olds but you know that falls under the future and I'm not going there. My reality is now. This day and what I do today is all I can control and even then not everything is in my control.

I am now very excited about this pregnancy. I am looking forward to meeting this child. My belly is already big. The round ligaments are feeling some strain. I haven't been sick. I have been hungry. Very, very hungry. I eat almost 2 to 3 hours. I also can't eat a whole lot in one sitting or I get sick to my stomache. I'm craving proteins. Cheese, meat, peanut butter (which I don't cave into to protect the baby from too early a nut introduction), and Coke a Cola (which I don't cave into because I don't believe that it would be very good for the baby.) I've stopped taking 2 meds. The other thing about this pregnancy is that I am dizzy. This is different than my other two pregnancies; so when people ask about what I want I just tell them that the pregnancy were not similiar to the other two.

To make this pregnancy even more interesting, my niece is pregnant, too with her second child. I'm a month further than her. So we will have a race to see who will give birth first. I've already got my doula set up. Okay she's not a trained professional but she's always been my doula. It's my sister, I Don't Get Mad/I Get Even. I know she will be there for me, and she won't let the health care professionals try to bully me. I am so grateful to God for a sister like her. She's always, always been there for me. God bless her.

So keep me in your prayers if you pray; if not then keep me in your thoughts. I'm forty years old and pregnant.