Rant

I had an idea for something to post here but that is gone completely from my mind. Now I just want to rant about people with "New Age-y" ideals. I have some friends that are into all this touchy feel; feel good shit. What amazes me is that they have no qualms about telling you how mean-spirited you are; what you are allowed to say to and around them but yet they are the ones that are open-hearted and serene. Really? Because what I just describes sounds very controlling and kinda ranks on the rude side. Why can't I say things like I like pigs? I think their cute but I don't mind eating them. I'm being honest but somehow I'm mean. And another thing, no matter what my husband's family thinks I am a part of it. Whether they like it or not. They don't really include me in on the family business or flat out tell me that they are discussing something with him and I intruded on the conversation. Well I only did so because you were pondering how he got that way... Guess what folks I sullied the man. I did it. I'm proud of that. Guess I am mean spirited. I know I am when I'm mad. And yes I'm mad. You simper there with all those freaking "I'm so much better than you. I'm serene you aren't. I'm in touch with my feelings you aren't. You are HURTING." Well la-dee-da. So what if I'm hurting. Does that make me less of a person? I don't think so. I think it makes me real. Not only that but I would even suggest that I am the one in touch with my feelings. Give me a real person over some yoga, New Age person any day. I really love it when someone tells me what I'm feeling. REALLY????? Because as far as I know I'm alone in this body of mine. I am quite capable of telling you how I feel. Do you know what happens when someone tells me how I'm feeling? I get mad. REALLY, REALLY MAD. How dare you presume how I'm feeling? To me that is as bad as not listening to someone. Worse even. It is arrogant.

Long time no write. Life is a busy prospect. And with 4 kids; a dog; a husband and a part-time job it's just not so easy to write. In fact I'm here to write about something at work. Yep. No kid stories. No dog stories. I'll do that another time. (Maybe.) As some of you know, I'm a librarian. For the last 3 years I've been on our marketing committee. I've enjoyed working on it. We've done some great stuff. After 3 years I wanted off. I went to the meeting with every expectation of it being my last for awhile. During the meeting the Chair told everyone that she was stepping down. The Director said to everyone that the next chair ought to be the new circulation librarian or ME. I then threw out that I didn't want to be on the committee anymore. The Director actually pouted! The new circulation librarian squirmed in her seat not wanting the position. Then another librarian said he was leaving too. So now I was faced with a dwindling committee and a pouting boss. Can you guess what happened next? Yep. I'm now the chair of the marketing committee. So in the coming year I will chair a committee. I've never done this kind of work. So it will be a new experience for me. The circulation librarian is Chair-Elect. But I don't think she's going to hang around long. (Rumor has it she has a bit of wanderlust.) Now I'm telling myself that this will help with getting future jobs. Although, I'm hoping that my job will be my job for a long time. (I know they say you shouldn't be anywhere longer than 3 years but I like my work and it gives me enough challenges.) Yes, lately, I've been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I think I want to stay in the academic world. I like it. I didn't think I would but I do. Go figure. Although I do consider going back to the public library world in a relatively non librarian position. There is actually a marketing position opened in the big city library system right now. Last night PF talked about retiring and me getting a full-time position. I just looked at him and said, "I don't know if I can do that. I like working part-time." Most of my work life is part-time work. I only had about 5 years of full-time experience to my name. I really see my full-time job as being my children and husband. Life is about change. Change is difficult. I can change. I know I can.

2nd Installment of the Epic Road Trip

After our stay in Gillette which I incorrectly posted as Cody, Wyomning, we did indeed go on to Cody, Wyoming. That was our base for alot of our travels.

We went to Big Horn Canyon. This is a most awesome place. We spent one day driving around the top looking for critters. We saw the big horn sheep/goats (whatever); the wild mustangs; prairie dogs. We basked in the awesomeness of the canyon. Cliffs are very special to me. I love sheer drops. They move me. No. I don't want to jump. I just stand in awe of God and the powers of nature as they've cut these deep crevices into rocks. We think of rocks as these hard things but yet they are susceptible to wind and water. Water in my opinion is the true awesome material. We need it to live but it can destroy us so easily in so many ways.

The next day we took a boat right. We got to see the cliffs from the bottom up. Our skipper told us the Native American stories about the canyon. MI got to steer the boat. DQ and MI had playful antics. ST was in a mood so nothing was going well in her opinion.

Another day PF took us to a Medicine Wheel. We hiked a good mile or more to get there. The kids got to play in snow that hadn't melted from the winter. The vista was beautiful and inspiring. I liked the feel around the Medicine Wheel. It inspired mediatation.

PF wanted to see this museum that replicated the internment camps that the American Japanese endured. It wasn't opened to the public yet. I think he was really disappointed.

When we did finally leave Cody. We stopped in at the Buffalo Bill Dam Visitor Center. One of the most interesting fascets of this adventure was the toilets. They were not flushable. Another amazing thing was watching the water pound out of the dam down into the river. There was a rainbow down there.

Finally we drove on to Yellowstone National Park. We had to go through it and the Grand Tetons to get to the yurt where we would be staying for several days. All I can say is God is an amazing artist and I revel in His works. These parks are beautiful, breath-taking places. I want to go back some day. I would like to stay in the park itself.

We stopped at a restaurant in Yellowstone where we met up with a biker group. Their leader looked like Dogg, the Bounty Hunter! It was uncanny the similiarity. Embarassed DQ to know end when I told him that he looked like the bounty hunter. He offered to take a picture with DQ but she was too shy to do so. We did take pics with a big furry dude though. They had a big Teddy bear dressed like Theodore Roosevelt in the gift shop.

While we were there we got up close and personal with a bison who was chilling on the baseball field. We learned while driving around Yellowstone that wild life sightings create traffic jams because people stop to take pictures and to gawk. One day while we were there a bison just calmly sauntered down the road totally ignoring the spectacle he created. He handles celebrity much better than humans.

This next leg of the trip was rather scarry for me because we were driving through all these switch backs and mountains. Natives wanted to do 60 or more on these roads and I, who had lost her confidence earlier in the trip, limped a long slowly. I think I had a mantra of "I'm a low lander. I don't do mountains." I still think they were crazy for wanting to speed around those curves. It was worse going into and out of Jackson Hole. The grades were crazy and I told PF, "I don't want to ever go back that way." Guess what!??? We didn't.

We had to go into Idaho to get to the yurt. The sky was darkening. We had these directions to follow. Every turn we made had us driving on a more rustic road until we were actually just following a track made through the field into the forrest. The trail ended at the yurt. We were alone! It was so quiet. The kids being kids made so much noise; it was overwhelming. I was looking forward to seeing the night sky without light pollution.

I think I will end this entry here. The yurt experience deserves its own post.

My blouse

PF and I have discussions about how to wear one of my blouses. I bought this back in February. The first time I wore it I put the pretty lace inset in the back and PF came along and said, "That should go in the front." So I dutifully turned it around and wore it the way he wanted.

I went through that whole day feeling a bit odd. I could feel air going down my front. It just didn't feel right. I discussed it with my co-workers and we all decided that the next time I wore it it would be with the "tag" in the back. Which means the lace inset would be in the back.

This morning I put the blouse on and along comes PF and he says, "You have your blouse on backwards." I told him that I wore it the way he wanted last time so today I'm wearing it this way. It feels better. It's one of my favorite shirts because it has bat wings!

Stuff

The end of last year was just very upsetting. PF got sick and ended up in the hospital. Which I suppose is the reason for my thoughts on death that I've been having lately. There was one night where I pondered what death would feel like. I received some sort of notion because it was a really moving experience. Of course that's just my imagination but somehow it felt real. I had a moment of weightlessness; peace and dark. OK the dark doesn't seem to go with all the near death experiences that people talk about but the darkness wasn't scarry. This experience has really been bothering me. It lingers with me like a scent.

Perhaps this is too personal to post but I need to talk about it. I need to wipe it out.

Here's another thing that came up recently: While taking down the Christmas decorations DQ asked me if I would remarry if Daddy ever died. I didn't look at her. For those that might not know PF was in the hospital Christmas Eve night and all of Christmas day. The kids didn't know anything about his fainting and being taken to the hospital. They just woke up Christmas morning and there was their aunt and cousin sitting on the couch. So that was probably the source of the question. My answer to DQ was I didn't know. DQ then said that she hoped not because step-fathers can be really mean. I told her that my main job is to protect them. I don't think I would remarry if they were still in the house. I agreed with her that bringing in some foreign man would not be a good idea. But I also told her that any decisions I made I would discuss with them before making them. I told her that one never knows how one is going to react to any given situation. I also told her that hopefully we will never have to worry about that. I talked to her about my marriage. I told her that her father and I have too much invested in the relationship to just give up on it. I told her that there is more to it than just having kids. I told her that her father and I have over 17 years together and many, many memories. I told her that we value the relationship. Sure we get mad at each other but these are just little bumps along the way. I told her that what's going to make this relationship last was the fact both her parents are committed and vested in it. 17+ years is a lot of time to through away.

Epic Road Trip

PF recently saw my blog and told me that I failed to chronicle our summer vacation. This summer we went to several National Parks and Memorials. Our first stop was Scott's Bluff in Nebraska. We elected to drive to the top and do our hiking from there. We also saw Chimney Rock but didn't stop there. Just marveled at the wonder. After the a short amount of hiking the kids were hungry. We drove back into town and ate at a McDonald's. Met some interesting families there. This was the 1st time someone encouraged us to go see Mount Rushmore.

After lunch we headed on into Wyoming. Our next place to visit was going to be Devil's Tower National Park. On the way to our hotel PF noticed that we would be passing a coal mining venture. He wanted the kids to get a sense of where electricity comes from... Neither the kids or I were interested. Kinda felt bad. We got to the hotel in time for dinner and a quick swim. In the morning we headed on over to Devil's Tower. It affected me in a very spiritual way. We watched folks climbing it and it just didn't seem right. There was a sense of peace there. I could have stayed there and just sat. I wanted to revel in God's handiwork. I wanted the cool breeze to waft over my body. It just seemed right to be there. I wanted to sit and sit.

Unfortunately with kids you can't. They were hungry, thirsty and tired. So we drove to the closest "civilized" area--Tourist Trap. Paid an unGodly amount for lunch and they won't take a credit card! I highly recommend folks not to patronize the place across from the KOA but do all their business with KOA. Really I don't mind tourist traps. It's a business but one ought to be pleasant about robbing me. I smile would do wonders for me. PF told me that several people recommended going to Mount Rushmore and Jewel Cave. So we get into the car and start heading towards South Dakota. In the mean time we notice a thunderstorm that developed. We got caught in that storm and it remained rather stormy for most of the afternoon.

While driving to SD I was driving the posted speed limit but that was too high for the road conditions. We ended up hydroplaning. When all was said and done we were in the middle of the median facing in the direction we just come. We get back on the road and continue to SD. The rain continued and continued and continued. PF and I decided that conditions were just not right and that we would head back to Wyoming. I wanted to go to bed. Kids were hungry again. (I think that is the main theme to the story here.) We get dinner and go back to the hotel.

In the morning it was time to head to Cody, Wyoming. But that adventure will have to be another post. I need to get something done today.

Ponderings

I started this blog for 2 reasons. 1)I had just lost my best friend and I wanted to write my memories of him down. 2)My then 3 year old daughter was a challenge and a joy. I needed a place to write down my feelings.

Now my daughter, 8 years old, is a challenge. Joy? Not so much. In fact I'm close to disliking her. She speaks to me in the most disrespectful ways. I don't even have to raise my voice. Her answer is, "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!!!! YOU DON'T LOVE ME." Makes me want to scream in her face to show her what a shout or a scream is.

This morning I told her twice to get dressed. Third time I yelled. Fourth time I yelled. Her response was, "Don't yell at me." I told her that I asked her nicely 3 times. She replied, "No the third time you yelled at me."

What's up with that? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

While driving her to school she said that I wasn't excited to have had her. I told her that I was the only one that was excited about her birth. I told her that everyone around me was offering me sympathy and condolences at my pregnancy. But I was happy and excited. And I was. I remember being so happy that I was pregnant again. PF wasn't happy. In fact he was trying to give himself a heart attack. It was one time that I seriously considered filing for divorce because he was soooooooo ugly during the pregnancy. I remember one time I screamed at him, "WHAT?!!!!!!!!?????? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET AN ABORTION?" If he had said yes I think we would no longer be because I loved her so much! I would have gone out there on my own. It would have been hard but I would have done it.

Now, I have this child that seems to think she can get away with anything just by shouting at me that I'm screaming at her and that I don't love her. Her tone of voice is frequently soo ugly sounding. She is soooooooooo negative.

There are days where I wonder where that cute, delightful child is. She didn't always talk so harshly all the time. She had a wonderful way about her. Between the ages of 1-4 she never seemed to care what others thought. She did her own thing. She was her own person. Yes. That caused some tension from time to time but really it wasn't bad. Starting in Kindergarten she suddenly began to care what people were saying about her. She wanted to play with other kids. We no longer have our little Tom boy who plays with boy toys; or wears Spiderman socks and underwear or shoes; or dresses up in fancy play dresses to catch bugs. Nope. She's gone. In her place is a horrible monster. A growling; mean ogre. A girl that will change her likes based on the group of kids she wants to play with at the time. A once avid Beiber fan now dislikes him horribly. So much so she's willing to be ugly to those that do like him. I can't seem to get through to her. I am at a loss.

I no longer want to interact with her. I will because I do love her but I'm finding it hard to see any good in her. Oh... there are times when she can be charming and she's doing well in school but the home life is not good. She won't help with the meager chores I ask of her. Alas, I'm sorry to say this but this girl is my mother-in-law through and through. What's even sadder is these behaviors come from my side of the family too. I have 2 aunts that are very similar. My coping mechanism is avoidance. I avoid my aunts and a I avoided my mil when I had to be in her physical company. (We did great over the phone.)

This morning on my drive to work I told myself that MI will be the one there for me when I get too old to care for myself. That she will turn out to be the best of the bunch. My prayer for her is that she will change into a delightful person again.